Oh, those wacky Chinese.

In 2007, sociologist James Farrer attended the
International Conference on Chinese Sexual Culture, where he learned that the keeping of paid mistresses has become common practice for the nation's growing numbers of male, economic elite. This has caused profound distress among the bean-counters in the strict, Communist nation where monogamy has had such a long-standing tradition that even the slightest hint of desire or interest between unmarried adults can result in a lifetime of community blackballing.

This status quo was sublimely illustrated in film director Zhang Yimou's romantic tragedy Ju Dou, where the male protagonist is forced to raise his son as his brother rather than see his family's cloth-dying business fall into ruin over village gossip.

But, evidently not content to rely on the power of centuries' worth of social reprisals alone (or perhaps they've become sufficiently unreliable), the People's Republic recently announced its intent to develop a national database to track down and catch marital cheaters. One wonders if it's only because this matter is centered on a growing elite social class of businessmen and officials (National Bureau of Statistics chief Qiu Xiaohua was recently "caught"), that such a controlling, Orwellian step is being taken. China's Ministry of Civil Affairs plans to have such records fully available and online-accessible by 2015. What related news stories that already make it within the Chinese press attract a vast and captivated readership.

Certainly, rigid sexual restrictions have long been a means toward social control throughout human history. This has been no different in China. In the late thirteenth century, a code of "demerit points" was developed, the Shih chieh kung kuo lu, featuring an itemized, detailed list of the severity to specific 'moral crimes'. "Spur of the moment passion" with a married woman had a penalty of 200 points, but only 100 if she were the wife of a servant or a prostitute. "Having lewd thoughts about a woman on the street" warranted 10 points, having "lewd dreams" warranted 1, and even though the Chinese have produced some of the finest erotic art in the world, possession of such material would result in a penalty of 10 points per image for the medieval Chinese subject.

And modern Chinese sex-related laws are no less mysteriously categorized. "Buggery" (anal sex) with women under age 21 is currently punished by life imprisonment, even though the age of sexual consent is 16 and that any kind of sex with a woman under that age of consent only warrants a prison term of five years. Go figure.

In view of such extensive (and arguably voyeuristic) measures, perhaps it makes sense that prudish officials in the world's most populous nation would go to the postmodern extreme of developing a computerized record. Exactly how such a record would yield to the government's ability to "catch" cheaters hasn't been clearly explained in recent news reports, but one might presume that the online availability of such information could serve to inform female sexual prospects to men who might not be entirely truthful about their marital status when being pursued by them.

In a way, could that then be a step toward women's independent sexual empowerment in China?

Probably not. While a whopping 70% of the world's sex toy manufacturing happens in China, and that it has a booming sex trade despite heavy suppression, China nevertheless has a deeply ingrained sexual conservatism.

For example, a 2009 business venture to build a sex-positive theme park to be called Love Land in Chonqing, itself being a bold move for even most Western democratic nations, was shut down by the government before it opened. There won't be any public theme-park nude statues, or modern books exploring topics related to anal sex for that matter, where they sing the March of the Volunteers.

But then, while I'm not necessarily out to demonize Communism per se, this is a nation whose government's efforts to control and regiment life on all levels is so tireless that it is a crime for dead Buddhist monks to reincarnate without government permission. So perhaps we shouldn't be too surprised.

Bu iç çamaşırı ve seks oyuncak.

The things that amuse me.

To make a little extra cash while enjoying a healthy workout, lately I've been moonlighting with a large moving company run by a group of Turks. Occasionally, it also affords me a chance to drive a rig back home to New York or elsewhere, which is always fun.

But imagine the smirk on my face when, while unloading a truck of its contents, I spied something interesting affixed to the support beams in the storage warehouse. Yep, a pair of delicious, medium-sized magenta panties with black lacy trim. Oh, those wacky Turks.

And later that same day, I found myself moving the home of an award-winning Toronto documentary film-maker and his live-in, rail-thin, statuesque, raven-haired niece. While loading a bedside table from her boudour, I couldn't help but notice that the drawers had not been completely emptied and its contents packed elsewhere. I was about to notify her of this when, while absent-mindedly opening the drawers, I gasped in cock-hardening appreciation instead.

Inside, along with a small electric blanket and a paperback, was a Hitachi Magic Wand. It wasn't difficult at all to picture her long, slender legs splayed wide on the same mattress that I would later bag and carry into the truck. It made the heavy lifting so much more endurable.

Oh, those wacky Malaysians.

I'm so torn.

So it seems that, for the first time, Malaysian correctional officials have caned three Muslim women for having extramarital affairs. Perhaps as a response to public outcries over recent charges against another woman who was "caught" drinking beer, Home Minister Hishamuddin Hussein said he wanted to publicize the case of these three women because of “too much hype” over the earlier case.

"People are saying that no woman has been caned before," he was quoted in a recent Christian Science Monitor report, "(but)today I am announcing that we have already done it," adding that the women 'didn’t suffer any cuts or bruises' from the caning.

Yeah, sure.

With the exception of a thin apron tied around the waist, the subjects are nude. Under the supervision of a medical officer, their wrists are then bound to the upper peak of a A-frame while charges against them are read aloud by officials, who then require the recipient to verbally repeat and confirm the punishment they are about to receive. Up to twenty-four full-force strokes to the buttocks are then administered with a rotan jenayah, the larger of two varieties of rattan canes used in Malaysian corporal punishment. Those supervising make certain that the ends of the canes make contact with the body, allowing for maximum effect. The trained caners are paid RM10 Malaysian ringgit (about $3 Canadian) for each blow they deliver.

Then, is this where I stand on the soapbox with a pro-feminist T-shirt and defend the socio-sexual rights of women (well, anyone, really) to explore their bliss without fear of physical reprisal by the proponents of organized religion? Again?

Or is this where I stand next to a St. Andrew's cross with my jackboots and tell those Malaysian coppers that a good caning should be part of a decent extramarital affair, and not a punishment for one?

Decisions, decisions.
sigh

Oh, those wacky airports.

Ever in the pursuit of the divine right to deflower seventy-two virgins in the afterlife, radical fundamentalist Muslims in some parts of the world remain determined to slip bottles of explosives into their Hanes whiteytighties and board commercial airliners. At the rate some of these fellows are sacrificing themselves in the name of jihad, you'd think that Allah had hymens on backorder.

Now, remember when you were a kid (oh, I'm talking to the boys here, although I'm certain plenty of youse grrls would agree too) and you had fantasies of being able to see through your classmates' clothes? Any of you remember those ads in the back of the comic books for X-Ray Specs? Sure you do.

Now, whatdya get when you mate these two ideas? You get the ProVision Active Millimeter Wave Advanced Imaging Technology (AIT) System, baby. Developed by Massachusetts-based L3 Security And Detections Systems, these devices will soon appear in airports throughout Canada and elsewhere as a new and improved means to make certain that no one has C4 where you can't see it, PLX where their penises should be, or astrolite packed with their Astroglide.

The so-called "naked scanners" produce an electronic, three-dimensional, seminude image within two seconds. Opponents such as Privacy International and the Canadian Civil Liberties Association are condemning the devices as an invasion of privacy, and seek assurances concerning both its effectiveness and discretionable use. Nevermind that these devices have already been in use at border crossings, prisons, courthouses and elsewhere in the world for some time. Some bemoan that faces and genitals aren't systematically blurred during the scanning process. Some even argue that children should not be scanned because to do so would constitute the making of child pornography.

Because, you know, a radical extremist and violent zealot would never consider using someone under the age of consent to, you know, hurt anybody or anything. I mean, that'd be no fairzees.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the American Association for Nude Recreation thinks the devices are a splendid idea. In a recent press release, the AANR counsels folks to "put it in perspective... (that safety) is more important than parochial concerns over a scanned image of the human body."

"(We) think it's going to change how (people) think about things," said AANR publicist Carolyn Hawkins in a recent Toronto Star report. "We think it's a great idea, and not just because we're nudists."

Me, I'm still waiting for my X-Ray Specs. Maybe they're on backorder too.

Oh, those wacky Brits.

In Canada, we're just coming down from the Victoria Day holiday, when our summer barbecues begin and the drinking hijinx are supposed to remind us that it's Queen Victoria's birthday.

Sexual regimentation was fundamental to social order during the Victorian dynasty, with sexual impulses (of women in particular) subjected to the strictest of controls, analysis, and barriers, most being rooted in misogynistic (or at least, ill-informed) suppositions. Great stuff for modern bondage fantasy, but I'd expect that being subjected to the public judgment of your neighbours wouldn't be all that much fun in 'real life.'

But this 2009, you say, not 1869. We don't have to worry about such things. Right?

Ask Caroline Cartwright.

There's a nifty little statute in Britain, the Anti-Social Behaviour Order, which gives the public certain powers when they're riled up about the goings-on in the neighborhood. Abandon your car on someone's property, and you're a fine candidate to be subjected with an ASBO. You and your skinhead buddies shout slurs to the Turkish people across the street, and you're a candidate for an ASBO. Spraypaint your tag on the post office, repeatedly harass that redhead, commit some obviously anti-social or abusive public behaviour, and you get slapped with an ASBO.

A "personalized criminal law," the ASBO enables citizens to file a legal complaint to "protect persons from anti-social acts," and it's no small feat to get one through the courts. First, the applicant must demonstrate that the defendant has "committed acts causing or likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress" and convince the court that only an ASBO will solve the problem. Hearsay is admissable evidence.

The defendant is then instructed to desist in the 'harassing, alarming, and distressing' behaviour. Breaching this order then changes the circustance from a civil matter to a criminal one, then to be tried in criminal court, and with criminal penalties (e.g., prison).

Did Caroline repeatedly kick the dogs in her area? Is she a vandal, a thief, an abuser? Does she threaten people, toss her trash out in the street, or shoot passers-by with a slingshot from her kitchen window? Nah.

Caroline's neighbours have subjected her to an ASBO because, well, she has great sex. In fact, she has such great sex that she screams and howls and cries out for more, shaking her bedframe with a thunder, rattling windows, heard far and wide. Poor Widow Tuffle can't bear to take her poodle out for walkies. The vicar can barely hear his own sermons on Sunday morning. The Johnson twins were perfectly scandalized during their game of hopscotch. It was awful.

Her neighbours were not, shall we say, enjoying it.

Leave it to the British to really appreciate Victorian values, despite being regarded by some as one of the most sex-positive nations in Europe. Identity crisis, anyone?

Naturally, in time, she violated the terms of her ASBO. After all, she had essentially been ordered by the court to stop having loud sex. Did she try to calm down? Probably. (And, please, no jokes about
gag orders.) But the woman may be potentially facing jail time because of how loudly she cums.

"But I can't help it," she pleaded.

Me, I'd love to see the looks that her husband must be getting from the women he passes on the street. Dude's got game!

Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau once famously commented that "the state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation." Perhaps the Cartwrights should seek asylum in Ottawa.

Oh, those wacky Christians.

Hester Prynne would weep.

When does attempting to do some reasonable, charitable good for a community slip into an administering of myopic, uncharitable judgement?

A Los Angeles-based Christian ministry has begun selling some interesting T-shirts through the intarwebs. Wearers can share with the world that they overcame their perditious sins of masturbation, homosexuality, enjoying porn, or generally most other great and terrible moral crimes. Who knew that sexual repression could be so easily twisted into a seemingly positive and healthy motivational marketing tool?

Of course, the ministry does this because the bible tells them that masturbation, or being gay, or being bisexual is wrong. And certainly, they're obligated to do each and every thing that the most sacred book in Christendom tells them to do, right? Absolutely.

I mean, it's not like the bible also advises that people should sell their daughters into sexual slavery, or that rape victims must wed their attackers into lifelong matrimony, or that brides must be virginal on their wedding day or be put to death. I mean, that'd be just awful.

Oh wait. It does. Oops.

It's not so much that I'm "anti-religion" as I'm "anti-repression." Personally, I think we should set up a softball game between this ministry and these guys. I'd be in the stands hawking beer and hot dogs for sure, enjoying the irony of my "Ex-Porn Addict" Tshirt and taking bets on the game.

If that wasn't a sin, I mean.