Magic words.

It always pleases me to receive a personal note from a reader, and I like corresponding. Once in a while, you share a personal concern or question, and both the writer and the Top in me take pleasure in sharing what I can from the path that my leather boots have clattered upon. It feels shamanic in a way, as part of the reason I do this blog at all is to share my stories for the benefit of you-all: an openminded, revolutionarily sex-positive tribe of people.

A reader emailed me recently. She asks that I not mention names (not that I would have used her actual name anyway), so let's call her Young Kinkster.


Young Kinkster asks:

I think that, ironically, I may be kinkier than my older boyfriend, even though he was my first time. I don't really know how to propose to him some of the things that I've considered. I mean, other than the built-in ageplay that comes with dating someone so much older than I am, is there a non-awkward way of asking someone to be your Top without making them exceedingly disconcerted by same? Any magic words that work, from your experience, on older men from fairly younger girls? I've been reading your blog for some time.


All words are magical for this. That is to say: what you need is open, clear, courageous, vulnerable, delicious communication.

Throughout our lives, the odds of finding a partner with whom we're totally sexually compatible is pretty slim, and all relationships will sooner or later require compromise and understanding. When we pursue our journeys, we discover more and more about our sexual selves, and this changing wave to our own sexy vibe will continue to keep things interesting. Like with food and music, our tastes with sex can often broaden with time and experiences.

You're in a glorious world of discovery. Go you! But because your partner is also your first lover, there is still so much ahead of you to see, do, be, feel, learn, experience, climax over. You've also come of age (and I am counting on that fact that you're of legal age, because you attested to that to even have access to this blog) in a time where there is an abundance of good, solid sexual information out there for you to explore, including topics kink-related.

I have no doubt that you are bright and intelligent. But don't do yourself the grave disservice of believing that you are invulnerable to being taken advantage of, or lied to, or otherwise deceived into an unpleasant situation (and most especially if you are choosing older partners). My own experience in the kink community has almost always been positive, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some people in the world who don't know how to play by the rules.

You owe it to yourself to learn all you possibly can about the nature of safe, sane, consensual play. This is a credo I first learned when I was active with the New England chapter of the National Leather Association, and its principles will be upheld in any self-respecting leatherbar, playparty, or social event. Leave any location, any relationship, that compromises its principles. An informed kinkster is a safe and happy kinkster, and never forget that there'll always be something new for you to learn.

The age difference between yourself and your partner may not be as much of a complication for you as you might think. It isn't unusual for one imaginative partner in any relationship to discover something to their sexuality that they may fear their partner doesn't necessarily share. But in a sexually positive, nurturing, and rewarding relationship, each is interested in listening to each other, without judgment, and (as Nina Hartley once said) to "help each other out." This is part of another credo, to be good, giving, and game.

Only by opening up to your partner will you learn if he shares your fantasies and interests and whether he'd be excited (as opposed to merely "willing") to explore them with you if he doesn't (yet). How you choose to open up can be as varied as your imagination desires: a brave discussion on the couch between sips of wine, a gasped request whispered into his ear between thrusts, a slow submitting slink across his lap as you give him upturned doe-eyes and a bite on the lower lip. Rent The Secretary and watch it together. Visit your local sex shop during a date. Leave a copy of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty at the bedside table (or better still, read it to one another). Network in your area for munches or other social events where you can meet your local kinksters, and hopefully make new friends. If and when you do attend a playparty, consider attending to strictly observe and digest the vibe for your first visit or two before committing to play yourselves (and be sure to tell the organizers that you're new). Talk, share, nurture the interest in exploring fantasies together.

You can also listen and observe him, his habits, daily things he does that (if you tweak your imagination just right) make you hot and find a way to sensualize and sexualize them so that he can see it. Does the way he handle a circular saw make you think of rugged Top guys until you're panting and wet? Tell him, and reinforce the signal with a blowjob while he's still in his boots and jeans. Let him know that it makes you hot when he does "toppish", dominant things. You like watching him shave? Stand right next to him, strip, and jill yourself while he does so. Or, if you ever wanted to explore dominance, deliberately select his clothes before you go out together and remain firmly instructive throughout the night. Make it a game. He needs (and, ideally, wants) to know what you like, and if he's an attentive and unselfish lover, he'll run with that as far as his own boundaries let him.

One thing I like to do, and especially with a new partner or with one who is new to this kind of play, is to have clear and physical symbols. A large candle or a certain bracelet, when I light it/place it upon her wrist, marks the beginning and the end (when I snuff it/remove it) of play. These sort of symbols help define the mental boundaries and provide a sense of time-on and time-out before things 'go back to normal,' and that can be vitally important for someone new and being introduced by a partner.

"Honey, let's play a game. You'll like it, trust me. You see this candle? When I light it after dinner, I want you to treat me like I'm yours. Like, your property, like some errant servant or a gift from your buddies or a prize slave you got at auction. You don't have to be mean to me, but make me obey you, because I'll want to obey you, do anything you desire. We'll play the game for an hour, or until one of us blows the candle out. It'll be fun."

No, it doesn't always work. A past lover of mine sought over-the-knee spankings through online sites because her husband couldn't, or wouldn't, "help her out." She eventually left him. Whether or not your current relationship can endure if (and when) you find certain sexual disconnects between the two of you is a matter for you to decide when you've weighed the compromises, options, and importance of it all to you. But it does mean that if you want to see a certain result, the onus to introducing it most likely will lie with you, regardless of whether your interest is submissive or dominant.

But sometimes it does work really well. Before being involved with me, Kara had never been to a fetish playparty, or even actively spanked, and she assures me that she's having a wonderful adventure so far.

How do you keep from "exceedingly disconcerting" him? By feeling him out, observing his body language, truly listening to his response. By remaining open-minded to the possibility that, yeah, some fantasies might make him hard as a post and, yeah, some may squick him. Consider your options for whatever response he gives you, but remember to respect his choices too. (The same can be said to men trying to introduce other ideas that might be new in a relationship, such as swinging or other fantasies, with their partners.)

You might consider introducing what you'd feel are your 'tamer' fantasies first, and seeing where and how you can introduce further ideas from there. But, and this is important, also prepare yourself ahead of time for how you might become exceedingly disconcerted if his response is noncommittal (or worse, negative) to what may be even be the most tame of hotter desires. This sort of risk to emotional vulnerability is especially tender for someone like yourself, who is relatively new to your own sexuality in general.

But the important thing is to communicate, to remain honest with yourself, and to decide beforehand what you're ultimately willing to compromise on before something does or does not become a dealbreaker. Only you can gauge that, because ultimately only you are the steward of your own happiness. It's all about choices and accepting the consequences of those choices, one way or the other.

And never forget that a partner who does not respect you, listen to you, and help you achieve what you wish for in your life (even if its a spank-to-tears session of sexplay) does not deserve you.

Love is a verb. It's success depends upon what both of you do.