Saturday, July 29, 2006

Scribbled memories.

In the spirit of healing transformation, I've been completely redesigning my home, and I've started in the bedroom. I'm crushed to alter the sexual energy we shared in there, but this is a necessary step, and already the room feels healthier, lighter, and ready for more lovers.

These are some li'l lovenotes that the Grrl had left around, that I found today. I still think they're pretty cool.

I wish i was naked in bed with you! :)

I long for the feel of your sexy lips on my wet pussy... oooOOoo... lick me, baby!

I love the feel of your dick in my mouth... when can I suck it again? :)

You are a wonderful, fabulous, magnificent lover! I adore you! :*

I love the way you caress, kiss, and play with my ass. Yup, I do! :)

I long, yearn, crave the feel of your cock in my mouth... yummmmm :P

Remember the shower we shared? When Steve cranked the TV? Let's do it again sometime...

My darling, so glad you're finally close enough to touch & fuck. Um, i mean, hold. :) OK. Touch, fuck & hold. Yeah. I love all of you! I love your passion as well as your huge heart. What a great package. Um, I love that too. :") Well? What are you waiting for? I'm waiting right now, to have sex with you! C'mere and FUCK ME! 8*

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The girls of summer.

The Grrl and I finalized the breakup a week or so ago, and I handled it with all the elegance and grace I could muster. She's moved back to the States. It's been more than six months now since our last session of sex, and I'm glad that it was a passionate, loving time. She was on top, a position sacred to Kali I have since learned, and there something in that which is ironic. The memory of her full breasts in my hands as she rode me, how I came as I held on her wonderful bottom, the nuances of light o her skin as we had each other for that last time, will always be with me.

But, lustful, amorous me.

Corporate Woman was travelling from the West Coast when I met her during a social event within a community we have in common. She was a talkative, slightly boastful shorthaired redhead in her upper 40s with a thick bod that reminded me of my ex-wife's. With mutual friends, we went for drinks and light fare, and it was there that I noticed her subtle moves to come on to me. She taught me, indirectly by sharing tidbits with others, how she was poly, available, and was staying at the Royal York. She smiled and winked at me from time to time.

Outside the bar and standing in the drizzling rain, I chatted with her as she awaited her cab. I asked if she was interested in some company, and to my pleasure, she smiled and told me she was.

Corporate Woman will be important to me in my sexual if not because the sex was particularly outstanding, but because she was the first woman I had been with since the emerging breakup with my beloved Grrl. I think the main reason I accepted/pursued was more because I knew I needed to get over that barrier. Besides, I enjoy elegant hotels.

I was with her for two nights that week. She really enjoyed how I gave her head, and I really enjoyed having someone beside me to sleep with those nights.

But she made me think of how she simply wasn't the Grrl.

The Li'l Earth Mother was my most recent partner; just last week. In fact, our date coincided with the same day the Grrl finished her moving plans from this city to head back south (she had been staying elsewhere). LEM and I also met at a social event, though not the same as the one I met Corporate Woman, and my first impressions was of an articulate, pro-active woman who might make a good new friend. She's in her mid-20s, and is more zoftig than is usually my preference for a lover, but I find myself going there from time to time anyway for some reason.

We chatted over email, and while I was (and am, see below) dating someone we both know, it was clear that she'd be interested in pursuing something. We met for dinner, and there was little mystery about what we might do because she had already expressed interest in "shagging on Saturday." She was more forward than I'm normally used to, and while it took me by surprise sometimes, I also enjoyed it. I really like it when a lover makes the first, and explicit, move.

But, again, for me, the sex wasn't as hot as I hoped it could have been. I hardened instantly at her kisses, which were sensual and moist, and when she gave me (protected) head, I could easily tell that this was a woman who loved to have cock in her mouth. She especially enjoyed it when I thrust myself into her mouth gently, and told me with doe-eyes how no one had ever done that to her before and how she really liked it.

What we did was limited for safer-sex's sake, although time with her was the most sensual that I've enjoyed in months. It was also the first time I had sex with someone in what was our, now only my, bed. That's barrier Number Two. But maybe it was because protected blowjobs really don't do it for me at all, or maybe it's because, in the end, zoftig women really don't do it for me most of the time, but while I enjoyed her company it just wasn't great.

And she made me think of how she simply wasn't the Grrl.

For the last few weeks, I've been dating the Tomboy. She in her 30s, located me through an Internet service, and after some initial emails, we met. I was entranced by her courage to show herself to me as she was most comfortable: jeans and Tshirt, herself hanging in a tree as I drove to her home. Her sparkling eyes and her short hair captured my attention: definitely my type.

I wasn't expecting much more than a coffee/beer meet, but by the end of the night, we had hit it off so splendidly that we were in one another's arms and spent the next four days together. We seem to have a few important things in common, and I'm enjoying getting to know her.

But... and yes, even here, there is a "but"... Tomboy isn't a sensual person at all, and so far the sex is very mechanical and extremely limited. She's doesn't suck cock, she doesn't like to be spanked, she doesn't express herself with passionate moan or cloying grip. She's attractive, she's smart, she's great to cuddle with, she's really fit, but she simply isn't passionate or sensitive or feline.

I'm going to keep seeing her for a few reasons, mostly nonsexual ones. Sexually though, she does have an interest in backdoor play in her favour, and her experience is limited there. Being the man to introduce a lover to enjoying cock in her ass is always a respect-worthy treat and privilege. And I'm enjoying trying to nurture her, encourage her to relax more and enjoy things. I won't pressure about blowjobs... no, no, bad juju, let her go there if and when she feels she wants to... but I'm already doing what I can to encourage what inner panther may be there.

And, yes, even she makes me think of how she simply isn't the Grrl. I'll deal.

I miss my Grrl. I crave for her. For soul, my sexual self, aches in her absence, and yearns with each photograph of her I see. When I saw her recently, I couldn't help but appreciate how she looks now, as we've both lost a lot of weight these last few months. She's kept her larger breasts, making her a 36C or so, and her bottom has slimmed out nicely. I'd kill to see her nude again. I love and miss her so much.

She's exploring her bisexuality these days, and tells me she has many offers from lovely women to consider, and how in her life now she'll likely pursue multiple secondary partners without a primary one. I spend a lot of time thinking about who she's with, what she's doing, actually. There are at least two men in her world now, including the aforementioned one I have hated for going on 15 years, and the other whom I like and have known about for as long as she and I were together.

But, I suppose, what I really need to do is to stop ruminating about it all. Maybe, if I'm lucky, the Gods will have us in each other's arms again one night as companionable ex's. I'd like that. I dream of it.

If and until then, I date the Tomboy, who is also dating others, and perhaps I'll date others too. I'm empowering myself to face this undesired singlehood, and am really doing objectively ok if subjectively off focus. I'm not a weak man; it's just my love and lust for Grrl runs deeper than I imagined. But, hey, what can I do.

I really need a sensual, wet, passionately enjoyable blowjob these days.