Just once.

Please, God. Just once. Just... once.

Just once, I want to see some politician stand before a crowd of exquisitely-groomed, jostling, shutter-snapping media hounds, tap a finger into a microphone, adjust his tie, and not blink as he says something like this:

"There's been a lot of interest lately concerning some photographs that have recently appeared over the internet. I'm here before you this afternoon to clarify my position, and it is my intention to complete this matter with today's press conference.

"We live in a world where electronic devices of all kinds have become a staple for all levels of communication. People from all walks of life, in every profession, from every social class use such devices for reasons related to business and elements within our personal lives. Of course, most professional people endeavor to keep communications related to business and personal matters apart from one another out of professional courtesy and social protocol. But in a free society, we would certainly not expect an individual to use different, separate devices for different levels of communication.

"As an elected official, as a professional, I certainly share that endeavor to discretion. I expect that most, if not all, of you do as well.

"However, this does not mean, and again I am certain that most people will agree, that elected or other professional people are thereby expected to refrain entirely from non-business-related communications, or activities in one's personal life, by rule of their professional roles.

"Yes. I used my device to take a picture of my dick. Yes. I forwarded that picture to someone that I was pursuing in my personal life.

"Now... so what?

"What possible relevance or relationship would such a thing have to my successful service as your representative? Do the people of the great state of [insert name] truly believe or expect that their representatives live the lives of celibate monks? Certainly not."

The shutters click, the jostling becomes more aggressive. An audible gasp. A blonde reporter from a conservative media conglomerate widens both her mouth and eyes. She stares at the politician and blurts into her padded microphone.

"But sir! Don't you believe that the voting public has a right to know about your infidelities? Don't you agree that such infidelity can only demonstrate that an official such as yourself can't be trusted to ensure what's best for society?"

Almost imperceptively, the throng leans slightly forward. The politician sips water from a crystal tumbler. He pauses, and points a finger in the reporter's direction.

"You're crazy," he replies.

"If, and again I say "if," my actions constitute an infidelity, that is a family matter between my spouse and myself. It is high time for Americans to acknowledge that personal relationships are not homogenous, that not every family in this country is necessarily monogamous and heterosexual.

"Now, I will say that in my case, it may be, and yes, there may also be matters to be discussed between myself and my wife. But I will stress that such things are not the privy of the media or the general public and, in my case, will not be the subject of discussion in further press conferences.

"Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau once said that the "state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation," and I believe that it is high time that Americans took that advice to heart not only for its citizens, but for those who tirelessly serve within its ranks. Further, I will add that if the people of the great state of [insert name] disagree, that they will judge me based on this private matter rather than my consistent service record to create jobs, protect the environment, and general improve life for everyone whom I'm privileged to represent, then they don't deserve me as their elected official.

"Thank you. This subject is closed. Can we all grow up now and proceed to relevant issues concerning our government?"



But no.