Saturday, July 24, 2010

The swing of things: a rant.

I'm casually preparing some stroganoff (her favourite) when Kara mentions that she's received an interesting, flirty message in her FetLife mailbox. I'm intrigued. I enjoy knowing that others find her as hot as I do (with her tomboy looks, she especially gets plenty of ogles from other women as we stroll along Queen Street), and this sounds like it could be fun.

She shows me the message. It's (seemingly) from a couple in our region that's into swinging, and they've expressed interest in my hot, little, schoolteaching waif.

But when I start to look a little closer at the couple's profile, I can't help but feel a few little red lights go boink.

If you're familiar with FetLife (and shame on you if you're a reader of this blog and you're not), you know that profiles typically include a listing of what kinks, pleasures, interests, and sexual curiousities one is into. Some lists are brief, some are vast, but it makes for a great way to break the ice and tell the world what makes you tick.

This profile entirely lacks that, which (in my view) almost defeats the purpose of having a profile on FetLife to begin with. It also lacks a lot of detail of who and what they are, apart from being a 'professional, educated couple seeking playmates,' and there is no specific information about (or from) the woman in this couple at all. We see her in a series of deliciously explicit images from (what seems to be) their past swinging experiences, but who is she?.

She's an attractive blonde, and appears to be having loads of fun (pun intended), but apart from her smiling face in the vicinity of throbbing cock, we see and read precious little of her. So we can only assume that it's the male in this couple who (as one can see on a profile) has been having a fine time sending individual, seemingly flattering comments to a long string of other, different women on the service.

"Wish I could get her to do that." "You could have some great fun with us." "Would love to convince her to get piercings like those."

Now, sure, maybe I'm making assumptions. Now, sure, maybe these people are exactly as they seem to be. They very well could be perfectly cool people who simply have very little to say but totally love fucking newly-found strangers in their extra rented apartment in another part of town. Maybe he "does all the talking." Seen it before. But having witnessed a fair amount of stupidity in my life, I can't help but wonder what gives here.

I might have at least expected to see individually-written paragraphs from each of them, or at least a cogent write-up about what and who they are, what they like, what they dislike, and what they're ideally seeking. After all, sez I to myself, if Kara and I were to consider meeting another couple for fun, frolic, and fucking, I'd like to think we're meeting people and not just another set of genitals. For the love of God, who are you?

And then those references to "convincing her."

As a man, I get it. You have fantasies about sharing your partner with another hot, fun couple or single for any number of reasons, and you're probably used to being the initiator in your partnership's sexual escapades (or so you might think). You want to introduce this idea of swinging, and maybe you've even done a little research and reading about what that means and what that doesn't mean. Hopefully you've been asking yourselves hardcore questions about trust, jealousy, communication, fantasies, desires, fears, worries, boundaries, and other Really Important Things That Could Fuck Up Your Relationship Unless You've Gauged A Path Through A Potenial Minefield.

But, Mr. Guy-In-A-Couple-Who-Messages-Other-Women-Everywhere, I have to tell ya: the moment a word like "convince" goes past your lips, you've lost all credibility. And it doesn't help the optics when it's obvious you (and apparently only you) are messaging every hottie on the internet without any apparent attempt to really introduce yourself, make a social bond, or even, you know, be polite.

If she's not saying anything, not contributing to the process, to the fun, I end up asking myself why. I think any sane, respectful person would too.

"Convince" implies that your partner wasn't there in the first place and somehow, someway, got nudged in a direction she perhaps really hadn't intended to go. Loving people, sexually adventurous and otherwise, don't try to "convince." Even if you're (seemingly) successful, what you've achieved with him or her is far closer to acquiescence than sharing or cooperation.

I enjoy swinging. It's a very different dynamic than being polyamourous, which I prefer, and its been years since I've really engaged in it heartily. But that's also because Kara and I are still totally enjoying being engrossed in one another. While we've discussed it here and there, we already know that (unless you're already a friend) someone who doesn't aproach us as sensual, intelligent people first very probably won't make it past the first drink.

But part of the entire reason why I enjoy swinging, or even sex in general, is because I love watching my lover get off. And if there's any modicum of doubt to me that she's not having an entirely awesome time (which will never happen if "convincing" is necessary), I may as well read a book.

No comments: