Monday, August 25, 2008

The crazy whirlwind of desire.

i haven't been explicit about much of his visit. i did jokingly think to myself about sending a text message, or posting a cryptic myspace bulletin that said, "i've come up for air to let you know i'm going back down, happily, and will resume regular scheduling on monday." it was a 4-day skip through decadence, ecstasy, and expanse. in the 2+ hours of coitus that occurred every morning. in the way we both knew relief, after a tense moment of getting to know one another, and the way it spread our hearts. in the ways i can know myself better by making new friends and welcoming new lovers. in teaching me acceptance and some grace.
Shayne, in her blog. September 2007.

Interested in the love story, some of you have been kindly emailing to ask how things have been developing between Shayne and me. So here's the scoop.

We've been talking over the last two months or so, and its been both healthy and heartbreaking, sometimes with some regret, sometimes with some pleasure. Last Tuesday, she asked me how soon I could be in her city again, but I kept calm and suggested we talk about it more. Within another day or two, she was asking for distance. She's been struggling with her heart, and I've been staying positive, patient, supportive, and as nurturing as I can while also being honest with my own heart. She's become very important to me, and reminded me of what real love felt like again.

Shayne: I still miss coming home to you. I liked that dream. I think I am coming to a new kind of acceptance. One I can't yet name.

Me: My heart is both full of you and broken by you. I miss you horribly. All else is vacant when I think of you. Youre so gone (or are you?) and I'm so sad.

Shayne: You echo my heart exactly. The pain comes, for me, in not wanting this to be the outcome.

We found ourselves saying goodbye. Goodbye, at least, to the love affair in our love affair, and at least for the forseeable future, if ever again. It's not always easy to be fully certain about things when it comes to Shayne, but she's healing and needing to heal more. There's good reason for growth and development for us both. But I still hate it.

Me: I want you.

This was supposed to have been the summer when we went camping. Instead, for both of us, it's been a summer of recovery. I still feel as though we'd barely scratched the surface with bondage play, and we had great energy there. I never got to take her to a playparty, and only once did we play with her wearing the outstanding and authentic schoolgirl uniform that I bought for her. She had her first threesome with me and her then-girlfriend, Annie. I'll miss the hysterical repartee we enjoyed when we both affected 40's Brooklyn accents... what great roleplay material that could have been: she in her pink dress, me in a wifebeater.

Shayne: In some ways, and in the future, i may be able to share myself with you.

Me: I love you. I want you to be happy. I know you want to pursue options. You deserve to. I may also someday, tho as I said, its vacant without you. Part of me hopes he comes up lacking in some way, despite my desire for your happiness. I will be here when the new boys fuck up.

Telling her that I wanted her to be happy reminded me of the moment when, in my kitchen, I said the same thing to the Grrl. As true as it is, it didn't hurt much less this time than it did then.

Shayne: You know what? I do love you. I've spent most of my summer in some kind of recovery and life's got to go on. I hope the same for you. I want you to be happy too.

We're going to talk more soon. We may make plans to see each other. But new perspectives would be healthy.

She's dated a few women. There's the Craigslist guy who pays to spank her, and possibly more. Her figurative black book has one or two other names, and she's recently begun dating a new guy who apparently has her feeling "rosy and aroused."

Me, there's still Connie. We've hardly seen each other lately, and I'm tepid about it thus far. Yet, there's a lot about dating Connie that could be very good for me. Molly enjoys playing, and she would probably be thrilled to have more from me, but there are other issues concerning her that keep me restrained from wanting to contact her often. I'm still working that one out. Kay is hot and yummy, and we've been talking about meeting, but she's also sveral hundred miles away and a happily married swinger. Erin, an old friend, just very recently expressed interest in having fun with me, and while she's slightly larger than I'd normally be attracted to, we've been friends for so long and her spirit is so cool I suspect that casual sex with her would be a riot.

But as much as I value these women and adore their company, none of them are Shayne. None of them are likely to be with me beyond the friendship and the sexplay, to avenues of real-life longer-term partnership that could have been possible with her. Shayne was on the very cusp of dropping her world and moving in with me when things went wrong, and I doubt that another opportunity for that kind of connection will come again for me anytime soon.

So I'm going to take a brief respite. I have an HNT coming, but I think it'll be at least until after the rest of the week before I write more. I don't have any dates lined up until Labour Day anyway.

I need to find the reasons why this is ok. I need to make my peace.

I love you, Shayne.


Anonymous said...

Rogue...take as long as you need to. We will all still be here waiting for you to return, that I promise you.

My heart is aching for your right now, truly.

Lilly said...


Oh hon...

Let me know now and then this week how you're doing.

Anonymous said...

definitely her loss

Coy Pink said...

Take care of yourself. I'll be stalking you until your return. I'll still keep my fingers crossed for a happy ending.

Rogue said...

Thanks, all of you.

Here's a postscript: we talked last night, she and me, until 3am. We miss each other, and there's no ension anymore in sharing that. She's in a place where she needs to move forward, though we still seem unsure of this is a "break" or a "shift."

Either way, the relationship is changing, and we're talking more "as friends" who still love one another. She managed to share some of her recent escapades without overstepping my feelings, and I managed to do the same.

So far, she's less than ideally thrilled with the prospects who've come her way, and she misses our sex. Even Craigslist guy bored her, apparently.

We're talking about, if my budget permits, seeing one another next month. There's feelings to work out, but we're talking.

And she's feeling closer and closer to forgiving some things that had happened. No matter where it all goes from here, I can't help but be privileged and appreciative for that.